Monday, October 13, 2008

Meeting Charlie Kaufman


Last night I met Charlie Kaufman at a screening of his new movie (and directorial debut) in Harvard Square. The first thing I noticed about him as he walked down the aisle to the front of the theatre is that he is entirely normal looking, just an average guy you'd see walking down the street in Harvard Square on any given day. In fact, had I seen him walking down the street tonight, I wouldn't have even noticed him, much less stopped to realize "That's Charlie Kaufman."

I quickly noticed by his demeanor and body language that he was very uncomfortable in his skin and nervous, awkward really. It was also apparent once he started speaking that he is very sensitive and deep. He spoke about being damaged by movies that portrayed an unrealistic view of the world and relationships. He talked about how important it is to him to write the truth and that everything he writes is somewhat autobiographical (its impossible not to be, he says).
His new movie was great- full of human fragility, realness and dialogue to make you think and laugh, not to mention plenty of symbolism and hidden meanings. He refused to comment on the symbolism saying that what something symbolizes or means to him may not be what it means to us. He said he wants the movie to be a dialogue with the audience and that he's set it up so that if you watch it many times, you pick up on different things each time.

After the question and answer was over, I approached Charlie to get is autograph and a picture with him. Later, when I told a friend and she was in awe, I thought about this-how strange it is that as a society we look up to celebrities. I'm not sure if it's their fame or money or perceived power- or all of the above, but to us they seem untouchable. We wait in line for hours for an autograph, a chance to say "I love your work", a handshake, some piece of their celebrity energy that we can hold and take home with us, but in reality, they're no different than us.

Thursday, October 2, 2008

Gratitude List


a safe place to sleep- I don't have to sleep with my shoes on tonight in case I need to bolt in the middle of the night.


a healthy cat who purrs like crazy!


a healthy body


a healthy mind


a job- even if its not my calling and even tho is supports something I don't believe in, I've still got a paycheck


there is nothing that I need right now that I don't have

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Anger

Anger rumbles deep from within the underbelly of my being
from the darkness of caves long since silent
Drum beats and cobwebs

Anger burns a bright blaze from sorrow’s womb
roars into a crackling rage setting me afire
Fingers of flames reach higher
Stars of embers fall with a hiss

Anger dives to the undercurrent of my soul
Rippling in waters yet unknown
swelling up into waves of fury
crashing down onto shores of glory

Anger vibrates from the backbone of grief
Echoing my inner world
Sounds of memories forgotten and sorrows never healed

I seek shelter in the forest of my spirit
dense and unprotected
I look for refuge from the wildness of my marrow

Again I shut down
Falling into the hollowness of my heart, a vacant wilderness

I plummet arms wide open
wind rushing past

I free-fall to the silky balloon softness of my essence

Just Breathe


Today started out frustrating. I had an appointment this morning to get my metabolism checked. I gave myself 45 minutes to get to the Longwood medical area, which should have been plenty of time since its typically a 20 minute drive. Apparently, Longwood is busy during the late morning and I got to the parking garage just in time for my appt, but in reality 15 minutes late because I was suppose arrive 15 minutes before the appointment to let my body sit quietly and rest.

Once I got to the waiting room, I tried to meditate, but had no luck, so I simply sat quietly and tried not to move much. I wondered if thinking too much would be an issue since the nutitionist had warned me not to read since that would burn calories and could cause the results to be skewed.

After the allotted time, the nutritionist came and got me and we went to her office to start the test. I had no idea what I was in for. The test consists of wearing nose clips which pinch your nose so you can only breath out of your mouth and breathing into a device for 10 minutes. It doesnt sound that bad, and I had no issue until I started it. Because the body warms the breath, it felt like I was breathing in recycled hot air. I felt like I was suffocating! My mind started to get all these images of being really sick in a hospital bed breathing into a machine. Then I started to think of what it would be like to be paralyzed, since I wasn't suppose to move during the test. My mind was really getting out of contorl and I kept trying to bring it back, but the fact that I was breathing in this hot air and felt like I couldn't breathe, wasnt helping matters. I finally thought I had had enough. Thats the point when she told me we were 5 minutes into it and I had 5 more minutes to go! I tried to focus, think of Aruba, St Thomas, beaches, snorkling, anything! But I couldnt breathe! I knew I needed to finish the test. I knew there was no way I could start it over and that once I took my lips off the mouth piece, I was finished. I also knew it was important to have the results. So, I started singing the ABC's to myself, in full sing-song fashion. Repeatedly. This seemed to calm me down a bit. For the next few minutes, I sang, thought of Aruba, swimming, and think I said a short prayer somewhere in there.

Finally, the 10 minutes were up. And the results? My metabolism is normal. The nutritionist couldn't explain to me why Ive been eating 1800 calories a day, burning 600 at the gym and gaining weight.

In the end, it was a reminder of just how powerful the mind is, how much strength our thoughts have and how much our thoughts become our reality. That reminder was more important than the results of the test.

Good Days are Here Again...


I felt a little off for a few days, but now I'm back to my happy self! There's a fine line of free time/ activity time that I seem to need to stay stimulated, but not overwhelmed, yet have enough alone time, but not feel lonely. I seem to be back in that balance. It also helps if I have a good book to read.

I was thinking today about what it is that I want and what type of relationship with 'other' I may want and even IF I want one at all. I'm pretty content without one. I like the idea of relationship, emotional commitment, companionship, but do I like the ACTUAL thing itself? I need to think more about this, detangle fear from my authentic voice and see what falls out.

Monday, September 15, 2008

800 Thread Count


I was told today that I have a good attitude. I said thank you because Ive learned over the years how to accept a compliment. I added that I'm laid back and happy because that is what I assumed this person was referring too. When I got home, I thought about it some more and remembered how at one point in my life I was so negative and pessimistic and downright depressed. I feel grateful for who I am.


My life is so good today.


My biggest problem today was that my brand new sheets somehow got bleach stains at the laundromat and the owner refused to acknowledge that it was due to the machine and kept insisting that I somehow mysteriously got bleach on two sets of sheets. I explained that I don't use and have never used bleach. Then he went as far as to say that maybe there was bleach on them out of the package?! I was so upset. It took me weeks to finally find a good pair of sheets that are soft enough. These AND my only other set of other sheets that I like were both ruined and splotched with bleach stains. I considered insisting that he reimburse me the cost, but it was clear that he wasn't about to do this. He pulled the old "I don't know what to tell you" line that my father loves so much and has used repeatedly with me over the years, mostly when he doesn't want to take responsibility for something that he should be taking responsibility for. I was really bent out of shape for several minutes about this predicament. Then I decided to let it go- sort of. I think I still need to say my peace with the owner. I can't reasonably keep doing business with him when he had such a blatant disregard for the truth. (This is such a pet peeve of mine). I would have felt better had he said, "Yes, my machine ruined your sheets and no, I'm not going to take responsibility for it", but to act like it was somehow my fault?! That irks me beyond reason. So, this man pushed all my buttons today, at least the ones my father installed so long ago.

Thursday, September 11, 2008

M.


i will be your refuge

do you remember

how it felt like coming home


we laughed and we cried

and in the end

we loved with

reckless, sweet

abandon


we were soul mates

and lovers

but still we hurt


i betrayed you

and could never recapture
I think of us still

and ache