Anger

Anger rumbles deep from within the underbelly of my being
from the darkness of caves long since silent
Drum beats and cobwebs

Anger burns a bright blaze from sorrow’s womb
roars into a crackling rage setting me afire
Fingers of flames reach higher
Stars of embers fall with a hiss

Anger dives to the undercurrent of my soul
Rippling in waters yet unknown
swelling up into waves of fury
crashing down onto shores of glory

Anger vibrates from the backbone of grief
Echoing my inner world
Sounds of memories forgotten and sorrows never healed

I seek shelter in the forest of my spirit
dense and unprotected
I look for refuge from the wildness of my marrow

Again I shut down
Falling into the hollowness of my heart, a vacant wilderness

I plummet arms wide open
wind rushing past

I free-fall to the silky balloon softness of my essence

Just Breathe

Today started out frustrating. I had an appointment this morning to get my metabolism checked. I gave myself 45 minutes to get to the Longwood medical area, which should have been plenty of time since its typically a 20 minute drive. Apparently, Longwood is busy during the late morning and I got to the parking garage just in time for my appt, but in reality 15 minutes late because I was suppose arrive 15 minutes before the appointment to let my body sit quietly and rest.

Once I got to the waiting room, I tried to meditate, but had no luck, so I simply sat quietly and tried not to move much. I wondered if thinking too much would be an issue since the nutitionist had warned me not to read since that would burn calories and could cause the results to be skewed.

After the allotted time, the nutritionist came and got me and we went to her office to start the test. I had no idea what I was in for. The test consists of wearing nose clips which pinch your nose so you can only breath out of your mouth and breathing into a device for 10 minutes. It doesnt sound that bad, and I had no issue until I started it. Because the body warms the breath, it felt like I was breathing in recycled hot air. I felt like I was suffocating! My mind started to get all these images of being really sick in a hospital bed breathing into a machine. Then I started to think of what it would be like to be paralyzed, since I wasn't suppose to move during the test. My mind was really getting out of contorl and I kept trying to bring it back, but the fact that I was breathing in this hot air and felt like I couldn't breathe, wasnt helping matters. I finally thought I had had enough. Thats the point when she told me we were 5 minutes into it and I had 5 more minutes to go! I tried to focus, think of Aruba, St Thomas, beaches, snorkling, anything! But I couldnt breathe! I knew I needed to finish the test. I knew there was no way I could start it over and that once I took my lips off the mouth piece, I was finished. I also knew it was important to have the results. So, I started singing the ABC's to myself, in full sing-song fashion. Repeatedly. This seemed to calm me down a bit. For the next few minutes, I sang, thought of Aruba, swimming, and think I said a short prayer somewhere in there.

Finally, the 10 minutes were up. And the results? My metabolism is normal. The nutritionist couldn't explain to me why Ive been eating 1800 calories a day, burning 600 at the gym and gaining weight.

In the end, it was a reminder of just how powerful the mind is, how much strength our thoughts have and how much our thoughts become our reality. That reminder was more important than the results of the test.

Good Days are Here Again...

I felt a little off for a few days, but now I'm back to my happy self! There's a fine line of free time/ activity time that I seem to need to stay stimulated, but not overwhelmed, yet have enough alone time, but not feel lonely. I seem to be back in that balance. It also helps if I have a good book to read.

I was thinking today about what it is that I want and what type of relationship with 'other' I may want and even IF I want one at all. I'm pretty content without one. I like the idea of relationship, emotional commitment, companionship, but do I like the ACTUAL thing itself? I need to think more about this, detangle fear from my authentic voice and see what falls out.

800 Thread Count

I was told today that I have a good attitude. I said thank you because Ive learned over the years how to accept a compliment. I added that I'm laid back and happy because that is what I assumed this person was referring too. When I got home, I thought about it some more and remembered how at one point in my life I was so negative and pessimistic and downright depressed. I feel grateful for who I am.

My life is so good today.

My biggest problem today was that my brand new sheets somehow got bleach stains at the laundromat and the owner refused to acknowledge that it was due to the machine and kept insisting that I somehow mysteriously got bleach on two sets of sheets. I explained that I don't use and have never used bleach. Then he went as far as to say that maybe there was bleach on them out of the package?! I was so upset. It took me weeks to finally find a good pair of sheets that are soft enough. These AND my only other set of other sheets that I like were both ruined and splotched with bleach stains. I considered insisting that he reimburse me the cost, but it was clear that he wasn't about to do this. He pulled the old "I don't know what to tell you" line that my father loves so much and has used repeatedly with me over the years, mostly when he doesn't want to take responsibility for something that he should be taking responsibility for. I was really bent out of shape for several minutes about this predicament. Then I decided to let it go- sort of. I think I still need to say my peace with the owner. I can't reasonably keep doing business with him when he had such a blatant disregard for the truth. (This is such a pet peeve of mine). I would have felt better had he said, "Yes, my machine ruined your sheets and no, I'm not going to take responsibility for it", but to act like it was somehow my fault?! That irks me beyond reason. So, this man pushed all my buttons today, at least the ones my father installed so long ago.

M.

i will be your refuge

do you remember

how it felt like coming home

we laughed and we cried

and in the end

we loved with

reckless, sweet

abandon

we were soul mates

and lovers

but still we hurt

i betrayed you

and could never recapture

I think of us still

and ache

Tonight

Walking around Deer Island during the evening is captivating. I got to witness the most beautiful sunset, the orange was so vibrant behind the skyline. The occasional airplane hung in the background and the ocean waves danced just slightly.

I always find it interesting how nature changes so rapidly, day to night to day, and we just accept it, but when we experience change in our lives, we resist with all our might.

Emotional Gypsy

Today:
woke up emotionally hungover

tried jogging in the AM-that didn't work well (my body likes exercise in the PM)

swam 40 laps

talked to a friend and realized I'm an emotional gypsy

had dinner with a new friend

met up with another friend to discuss helping/rescuing animals, specifically cats

journaled

smoked clove cigarettes- that didn't go so well for me, made me feel really sick and too close for comfort to the me of days past

met with another friend briefly

forced myself to jog to counteract the cloves and detox myself, if only a little, resisted puking

tried to read

slept

Creating my Reality

I'm on fire again. My mind is reeling again today with possibility. I joined the Paris Street Pool and met one of the guys who works there. He also has a degree in a technological field and had rejected corporate America in favor of a different life. I felt so inspired talking to him.

I feel in the flow and on the right path. I'm excited about the possibilities of what my life is going to become, but also anxious for it to happen already! I feel so open, happy, confident and powerful to create what it is that I want. There is so much to choose from! After many, many years of feeling stuck, I finally feel free and it is amazing.

Unfocused

I'm entirely unfocused today. I spent most of the day with my best friend and her son. It was great, but I didn't get the reflective time that I need so much of. Why do I need so much alone time?

I biked and swam laps again. It's my new religion. Each lap, I count and think. 1,1,1,1,1,thoughts, thoughts, thoughts, 1,1,1,1,1...and so it goes for 29 strokes. When biking uphill, my mantra is "push, push, push, push." I love the simplicity of this.

Bike, swim, or jog, move body, be outside, read, write-I need these things everyday. I wonder lately how my work and the weather in Boston fit into this and how I can find work and an environment to accommodate these needs. I'm realizing more everyday how important this routine is in keeping me whole and contented.

Does it Hit Like a Hurricane?

This morning my head was full of thoughts of Simon. I kept getting pictures in my head of yesterday. I started to question if I did the right thing- should I have gotten her chiropractic treatments and a blood transfusion first to see if that would have helped? No, no, you did the right thing. They wouldn't have helped much. She wouldn't have wanted that. My mind played this game a lot of the day. I still haven't had the profound grief I was expecting. Will it come later? Is this how its going to be?

I biked 13 miles, swam 15 laps and got some books at the library. Self care. Self care.

I believe the exercise will hold me together and sustain me.

I wanted to take her with me

My friend came to get me late this afternoon and I held Simon for the ride to the hospital since she hates the carrier and was trying to fight her way out of it. She was pretty calm on my lap. I brought food with me and some treats and a bowl for water. She ate 1/2 a can of cat tuna and drank a ton of water and had some treats. The euthanasia part was REALLY quick. It was over before I knew it. I held her and didn't feel her spirit leave her body or anything like that. I wouldn't have realized she was gone if I didn't know.

I spent some time with her after. I wish I spent more time, but how much can you do with a dead cat? I groomed her a little because she was so scruffy looking from lack of grooming and all the meds that missed her mouth and ended up on her fur. I cut some fur to keep and a whisker. I held her and smelled her scent. I loved her scent. She never got sick enough to smell bad, that's usually whats happens to CRF cats when the toxins overtake their body. I'm glad she didn't have to go through that. I had a strong desire to take her home with me and it was most difficult to hand her over someone else to get her ready for cremation.

Simon had a good last day- we took a couple of naps together, she ate food she likes, drank cat milk, sat in the sun with me, and was put out of her suffering. I don't believe she was physically suffering, but she was no longer the Simon I had know for so many years, except that she held onto her feisty-ness till the end. That's a good thing.

After leaving the hospital, we went swimming at the Y. I did 44 much needed meditative laps

then sat in the hot tub and hung out till about 10. We went to Harvard square for some salads at the outdoor Au Bon Pain and enjoyed the cool breeze and people watching in the Square.

I'm sure it will hit me tomorrow or in a couple of days, but i wish it wouldn't because right now I feel really good and at peace with my decision and the way everything went. She will always be my Simon.

Trauma

Took Simon to the vet again today, wanted to know what the vet thought, what if any treatment we should try. I decided to euthanize her tomorrow, with the vets guidance, but I'm sitting here questioning if I should have tried to do a blood transfusion to at least try that and see if it helped. I'll never know and I'm going to regret my decision, but I feel like its already made. I feel like maybe I'm grasping at straws. Loss is so difficult for me. I'm praying for a sign between now and tomorrow @4:30 so that I know it's the right decision. I wish I had parents to call.This is the hardest thing I have done since I got sober like Steve said, I've had drama, but no trauma.

CRF

Ive had my cat Simon for about 18 years, that's half of my life. Shes been there with me through some of the most difficult things that I've faced so far. At one point, I lost everything I owned- except for Simon. She had Chronic Renal Failure (CRF) for the last 5 years and has been declining the last month or two. It's hard to know when to euthanize and I've been looking to the doctors for guidance. The consensus is that if shes eating and using her litter box, she's fine. Tonight, she took a turn for the worse and is losing muscle in one of her back legs. She still walks all over the apartment, and pretty quickly too. I notices something wasn't quite right in the way she was walking and took her to the ER at Angell. It's not the first time we've been there and every time I go, its gut-wrenching to see the other people with their pets, hanging on. Tonight, there was a mother and daughter with their CRF cat who stopped eating. They decided to put the cat in the critical care unit to try to get the kidney values back down so the cat will eat.

We're like crack addicts- just one more treatment to save out furry friends. They mean more to us than we do. It's heartbreaking. I don't know how many more hours left I have with my little one. I keep wondering what I will be wearing when they put her down, what images I will never be able to put out of my mind, what images will trigger me for a long time to come. Nothing seems as painful as dealing with her illness.

The worst of it all is going through it alone. How I wish I had a partner. I don't want to be alone in my apartment tonight. I cant sit with myself and I have no choice. Life is painful today.

P*ris Street Pool

A while back someone told me there was a pool to use in East Boston that had a cheap membership. I've been looking around for somewhere to supplement my YMCA membership that is close to home, so when I did a search on-line for pool/east boston and the P*aris Street Pool came up, ao I called for details. The conversation went something like this:

-Hi. Im calling to get information on membership.

-It's $20 a year if you live in East Boston. Brin' your ID, phone bill, electric bill, internet bill or gas bill.

-Ok. I dont live in East Boston.

- Then it's $60 a yeah. Brin' your ID.

-Ok. What does it include?

- Basketball, pool ,the gym, locker room. We don' got no sauna.

-Do you have a whirlpool?

-A what?

-A whirlpool.

-I ain't neva heard o one of those

-A Jacuzzi.

-What da ya want for 60 bucks?!

-I'm just trying to get information on what the facility has.

-Just come down and check it out. We ah hear till 8 tonight.

So there you have it. 60 bucks a year, attitude included for free.

Night Riding Campfire Style

Night biking through Cambridge is one of my favorite activities. Racing down Mass Ave with my hair flying behind me and my legs burning from the push, past unsuspecting bicyclists who are minding their own business in their own individual bike world brings out my alter ego and probably wakes them from their grog. Tonight, moving through cacophony of music in Harvard Square, I am stopped by melodious sounds coming from Club Passim through speakers that are set up outside. People are scattered outside, 'camped out', watching the show on one of the summer's last nights. It is the annual Campfire, they are in their 41st and final hour of live folk music, and of my favorite musicians is on soon. Life doesn't get much better than this.