Ive had my cat Simon for about 18 years, that's half of my life. Shes been there with me through some of the most difficult things that I've faced so far. At one point, I lost everything I owned- except for Simon. She had Chronic Renal Failure (CRF) for the last 5 years and has been declining the last month or two. It's hard to know when to euthanize and I've been looking to the doctors for guidance. The consensus is that if shes eating and using her litter box, she's fine. Tonight, she took a turn for the worse and is losing muscle in one of her back legs. She still walks all over the apartment, and pretty quickly too. I notices something wasn't quite right in the way she was walking and took her to the ER at Angell. It's not the first time we've been there and every time I go, its gut-wrenching to see the other people with their pets, hanging on. Tonight, there was a mother and daughter with their CRF cat who stopped eating. They decided to put the cat in the critical care unit to try to get the kidney values back down so the cat will eat.
We're like crack addicts- just one more treatment to save out furry friends. They mean more to us than we do. It's heartbreaking. I don't know how many more hours left I have with my little one. I keep wondering what I will be wearing when they put her down, what images I will never be able to put out of my mind, what images will trigger me for a long time to come. Nothing seems as painful as dealing with her illness.
The worst of it all is going through it alone. How I wish I had a partner. I don't want to be alone in my apartment tonight. I cant sit with myself and I have no choice. Life is painful today.
